Goddess, I Am.

And so dewy Iris flew down from the sky on saffron-colored wings, trailing a thousand different colors across the sun… - From Virgil’s Aeneid

For the past couple of days, I’ve been trying to figure out how to upload pictures on my blog. Oh, it’s not that I don’t know how, it’s that it won’t let me. This is the first problem I’ve encountered since I started a self-hosted site (am I using the correct term?) a few days ago.

As it turns out, this is common problem with Wordpress 2.5.1. After poking around a bit (and a rather frantic message to Matt in Facebook), I found a myriad of ‘solutions’ ranging from upgrading Flash and Java, to updating source codes. It was enough to make my head spin, Linda Blair style. So I took the path of least resistance and decided to install a plugin (that’s at least something I know how to do) to disable the Flash uploader and just use a rather basic one instead. Thankfully, it worked. You can now see Jollibee smiling happily in what used to be the barren landscape of my blog.

So there you go. I have just managed to fix my first ever technical problem on my own, a feat that’s pretty much wasted because my camera (or should I say, my mum’s camera that I borrowed) decided to die on me for no discernible reason. And this was after I bought a special USB cable that cost me 700 baht just so I can upload my pictures. Obviously, I’m not happy, not happy at all.

So until I can figure out what’s wrong with this piece of shit camera, you’ll have to put up with ol’ big butt over here.

The Philippines isn’t a perfect place. In fact, Filipinos are forever trying to find ways to escape the sweltering heat and the endless rain to seek the proverbial ‘greener pastures’ elsewhere. I was one of these Filipinos - was being the operative word.

After living in Thailand for a little over a year now, I’ve since realized how much better life in the Philippines was. I can’t speak for everyone, though. After all, I had a slightly more comfortable life than most of the general population. However, despite the many criticisms Filipinos have had to suffer from the rest of the world, compared to the Thais, we’re actually quite lovely – many times over. Mind you, this particular opinion doesn’t just come from the incident that happened to me and my man recently; this is actually the result of the multitude of bad experiences I’ve had had to endure since I got here over a year ago.

But as much as I’d like to write about why I feel the way I do about Thais, I really don’t have the energy right now, so I’ll save that for a later post. This particular post is about one of the things that I miss about the Philippines that have, for some reason, occupied my mind the entire day – and I fear that unless I write about it, it’s not going to go away.

I miss Jollibee. Seriously. For those of you who don’t know what the hell Jollibee is, Jollibee is the Philippine’s own version of McDonald’s. This fast food chain serves burgers and fries and everything nice, all geared towards how we Filipinos like it. I know a lot of farangs think it’s crap, but I don’t care. I love Jollibee, and Jollibee loves me (I imagine).

Ahhhh... What I would give for a Burger Steak right now. Or, maybe a Regular Yum with Cheese. Or, that sweet spaghetti that we Filipinos love so much.

Have you ever been sad? And I don't just mean having 'the blues' or 'a case of the doldrums'. I'm talking about that exquisite, bittersweet emotion that is sadness in its purest sense.

The kind of sadness that comes at you out of nowhere, catching you off guard so you don't know how to deal with it.

The kind of sadness that's inexplicable, almost mystical, that not even a good cry or a tub of ice cream can fix it.

The kind of sadness that takes over so you're no longer in control of your own life, but a slave to fears, doubts, and that phenomenally bad feeling at the pit of your stomach.

The kind of sadness that defies all reason and all comfort so that you end up lying awake late at night, asking yourself inane questions that you shouldn't be asking yourself, and entertaining thoughts that you shouldn't be entertaining at all.

The kind of sadness that never seems to end, that makes small comforts exactly what they are - small. And so you find yourself having to struggle to smile, to laugh, and to just live.

The kind of sadness that leaves you breathless, lost, and incredibly empty that you actually hear echoes where your soul used to be.

Yes, I'm sad. But there really isn't anything I can do but to ride it out and hope that sooner rather than later it'll all go away. Maybe then joy will find me again.

I found this in my journal written almost a couple of months ago in one of my periodic bouts of depression. I haven't been sad in over a month. :-)

Last Saturday saw me and my man at the cinema in Central World Plaza to watch The Incredible Hulk. It wasn't a particularly exceptional film, but it wasn't bad either. I enjoyed it anyway because of two words: Edward Norton.

But I digress. The film ended about 10 PM, and we left Central World shortly thereafter. We walked about a couple of blocks towards the Pratunam area to catch our bus home. Right in front of Platinum Mall is a rather narrow walkway, so we had to walk single file. I went first, my man brought up the rear. Walking towards us from the opposite direction were 3 Thai men. I didn't think much of it.

When I was level with the first guy, he sort of leered at me, but I ignored him. I'm used to dirty leers and jeers from men, and I've found that it's way better to simply ignore them and not give them the satisfaction of my attention. From what I gathered later, he made a gesture which led the boyfriend to think that he grabbed me. Naturally, my man reacted and gave him a nasty look. The next thing I knew, all 3 men have jumped him from behind, so he didn't really get a chance to defend himself. They were all fists and elbows and knees, muay thai style, while my man fought to stay on his feet as he tried to get them off him.

At this point, I was screaming for help at the top of my lungs. It was surreal, like something out of a movie. I wasn't really thinking at all at that point, so I acted on instinct. I hit and poked the men randomly with my trusty umbrella (one of those pointy-tip ones). I must have hurt one of them because he moved as if to strike me across the face. I sort of cowered and waited for the blow to come, but it didn't. I think he still had some decency left not to strike a woman.

At this point, my man already managed to break free from their clutches, so I took his arm and dragged him away towards the crowd gathering. The men started walking away in the opposite direction. My man tried to tell a security guard who was in the crowd to call the cops. The man just sort of gaped at us with his mouth open like an idiot. Upon hearing the word 'police', one of the 3 men came back (the guy who was walking first) and threatened my man with something from his pocket. I imagine he had a knife in there or something.

There was a cab parked at the curb and the driver was gesturing at us frantically to get in, so I dragged the boyfriend into the cab. At this point, the adreline had worn out. I was shaking like a leaf and quite hysterical. My man had about 5 nasty bumps on his head. I wanted to go to the hospital, but he and the cab driver had other plans.

We drove around for about 5 minutes looking for a police outpost. We found one just past a BTS station (I think it was Ratchethewi). There were about 5 policemen milling around at the sidewalk. The cab stopped, and the boyfriend told me to stay inside while he and the driver dealt with them. The moment they saw the driver and my boyfriend with his torn shirt and head bumps, they literally scattered and disappeared faster than you can say 'help'.

There were 2 policemen left who didn't want to help at all. They kept shaking their heads and putting up their hands. But the cab driver was adamant that they help us and my boyfriend told them he was working in Bangkok as a teacher, so after about 5 minutes of talking, they finally decided to do something about it. We gave the cab driver some money for his trouble and got into the back of the police cruiser. We then drove back towards the scene of the crime.

Of course, our attackers were nowhere to be found by then. My man, heroic as he is, jumped out of the cruiser and ran out towards the direction they were headed. The cops didn't move at all. I had all sorts of scenarios in my head, that the men were lying in wait to stab him and stuff like that (shoot me, I'm female), so I started to get hysterical again. I practically screamed at one of the cops to go with him, so he did, probably to get away from the shrieking banshee that I was turning into.

Needless to say, they didn't find those men, just as I expected. The police dropped us off and waited for us to get into a cab safely - probably the only thing that they actually did right that night. I'm just thankful that we got out of the harrowing situation with nothing more than a few bumps, one missing umbrella (my boyfriend's), and a bent one.

That was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, including getting mugged at knife point back in university. Almost a week after the incident, I still find myself shuddering at the memory of those men pummeling my boyfriend's head. It hurt me so much that they hurt him for almost no reason at all.

A friend asked me how I could've had the presence of mind to hit them with my umbrella (Mary Poppins style, as it had come to be known). She said she would've either run away, or fainted. I personally don't think so. When someone you love is under attack like that, you just can't run away. Instead, you'll do everything you can to stop it, as futile as it may seem, regardless if you'll end up putting your own life in jeopardy in the process.

Some people would probably call that stupid. I call it love.

After being ‘quiet’ for the past 7 months or so, I’m finally blogging again. I’m ecstatic, and I’m hoping, so are my readership.

So why haven’t I been blogging? Several reasons, really. First, I started working online full-time, and you could say that I went right off writing for myself when I was writing 4-5 articles and editing even more per day. It was such an overload that Word kept making me want to throw up. Second, I developed a bit of a phobia that people will just keep hating everything that I write in the aftermath of all the rather scathing criticism I’ve had to endure in one of my old blogs. Lastly, I got a bit lazy, and I found that I’d rather spend my free time with my man rather than write. The relationship was still quite new back then, and I felt that it needed a lot of my attention.

But that’s all in the past now, and I’m now quite well-adjusted and secure. Since we’ve moved in together, my man has made sure that I don’t stay up working all night and don’t spend all day sleeping, so I’m happy to say that I’m now sleeping right and waking up earlier, generally managing my time considerably better. All in all, life is excellent.

So why couldn’t I just resurrect one of my older blogs? Well, I’ve always wanted to have my own website, and not just something freely hosted by Wordpress. That’s also the reason why it took a bit longer to do this. I’ve had to research and learn the intricacies of hosting my own domain and stuff (no matter what they tell you, it’s never as easy as it seems). This was something I really wanted to do because I was starting to feel somewhat stagnant. I could literally feel my brain faculties diminishing.

I must admit that I got sidetracked a couple of times with other more pressing projects. Plus, it took me ages to decide on a Wordpress template to use (I’m still not entirely convinced on this one). I really must learn how to use Photoshop (yes, I don’t know how – shoot me) and brush up on CSS. I’m totally clueless about it, considering the fact that I studied the damned thing in university (ahhhh, if only I actually attended classes). But I’m here now, so no biggie.

Let it be known that I don’t want to make money off this blog. I just want to write – really write. I hope you guys will enjoy this blog, as much as I know I will enjoy writing it. And don’t worry. I’m not just going to suddenly disappear again. After all, I’m paying to keep this thing running, and I intend to get my money’s worth.

And leave me comments, why don’t you?