Goddess, I Am.

And so dewy Iris flew down from the sky on saffron-colored wings, trailing a thousand different colors across the sun… - From Virgil’s Aeneid

Here's a fact that I've never spoken of before: much of Thailand terrifies me. It has nothing to do with the country's current political unrest, or scary Thai wannabe kick boxers who beat people up for no reason, or even Thai food, which is scary enough as it is. No, my fears are far worse than that.

1. I'm afraid of getting a haircut from Thai salons. My last haircut was in April, and that was when I went home to the Philippines for a week. Before that, I forced the boyfriend to trim my hair for me, and he did so with scissors and a ruler – seriously. My hair is now getting rather ridiculously long, but I'm trying to hold out until I go home in a few months.

So one may wonder why I have this silly aversion to Thai hairdressers. The answer is simple enough – if you've ever seen the average Thai hairstyle, you'll understand. The majority of the population – men, women, and children alike – sport mop tops and spikes and the uber popular mullet, and I believe there's nobody else to blame but 'em snip-happy Thai hairdressers. I'd take my chances with the boyfriend and his trusty ruler again rather than take the risk of looking like Billy Ray Cyrus in his heyday.

2. I'm scared of getting my nails done. Again, the last time I had my nails done was on my last Philippine trip. I've been going the DIY route since. Good thing I'm pretty low maintenance in this area, and I've never been much of a fan of nail polish. I simply bite my fingernails into oblivion (a nasty habit that I've been trying to break forever, which is very unlikely now that it turns out the boyfriend does it, too), and use my trusty nail clippers to cut my toenails off and a sharp metal thingy called a 'pusher' to pry out the crap from the sides.

It's gross, I know, but I'd rather do this than visit the so-called Thai experts in this, umm, specialty for many reasons. For one thing, a pedicure here costs 10 times more than what I would pay for a manicure and pedicure back home. For another, their clientele are often seen leaving the salon in those longer-than-normal tacky acrylic nails with even tackier glittery designs. Of course, I can always just refuse, but my Thai is so bad and their English is even worse, and I'm deathly afraid that they'll misunderstand me and cut off my toes instead. Yes, I'd rather pry out my nail crap myself, thank you very much.

3. I'm scared of getting a wax. Waxing hurts, yes, but I can take it. I actually prefer it rather than shaving because I don't have to do it as often. While living in Thailand, however, I have to choose shaving because it's so much safer. As far as I can tell, waxing in Thailand doesn't work, judging from the number of hairy-legged and even (scarily) hairy-toed women I see every day. I swear, they give Frodo Baggins and his little hobbit friends a run for their money.

Plus, they don't do full bikini waxes; they only skirt around the edges like they're scared of something. Believe me, I must have asked all the bikini waxers in greater Bangkok. Well, they can all grow Amazon rainforests down there for all I care, but I'm not gonna.

Indeed, Thailand is a scary place that's definitely not for the fainthearted. I just hope I can get out of here alive without looking like a Jefferson Starship clone with dinosaur nails and a full bush. *shudder*