May 31 2009
I Fear Anger
When I was about 7 years old, my parents split up. They married much too young (she was 16, he was 17). As if that wasn’t bad enough, my dad fancied himself as some sort of Don Juan. Throw in a domineering mother-in-law (my dad’s mum) and a very dysfunctional family (mum’s), and I guess you could say that they had all the odds against them right from the start.
Growing up, I understood that this was the way things were. I grew up as well-adjusted as I could possibly be, considering the circumstances, and never let it bother me. I never expected, therefore, that this would haunt me someday.
I am afraid of a lot of things, but one thing I’ve found that I’m afraid of most is ending up with a failed marriage like my parents. The Hub and I are both headstrong, opinionated, and stubborn, and neither of us are pushovers. As a result, our fights – and there are plenty – tend to be extremely heated and sometimes quite ugly. I hate it, and I know he does, too. But when you both think – no, believe – that you are right and the other is wrong, it becomes a seemingly endless cycle of hurts and tears and unkind words. Rational thought flies out the window, red is all one sees, and we’re left with anger – uncontrollable, burning, and frightening anger.
Because of this, I find myself afraid. Afraid that our marriage is just going to topple over without warning like one of those cardboard displays left outside to face the unforgiving elements for far too long. Afraid that we’ll go too far and say too much that we will get to a point where there will be no turning back. Afraid that the next fight will be another fight too many. And most of all, afraid that no amount of love and kisses and gargantuan efforts to be better people will ever be enough to fix whatever flaw we might have that made us like this.
I want our marriage to work more than anything else in the world. I don’t ever want to give up like my parents before me and every other couple in the world who has. But how does one fight one’s self when one loses control?
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was just blog-hopping when I stumbled on your site…
I can totally relate to your situation…we always fight over the way we take care of our kids. Its a never ending cycle I guess. sometimes, when I get yelled at (even when I’m 200% sure I’m right this time) I feel like its over you know. Im like ‘thats it, im done’…but at the end of the day, I think about our kids – and all the negativity just goes away.
Ape Rockstars last blog post..Yet another blog about sex scandals
Fights are exhausting. My husband and I often fight and many of the fights we had were really ugly. But you know, we move on. That’s what we do. It’s a constant process. Just because your parents failed at their marriage doesn’t mean that you will too. I think it’s important to have faith and talk often and a lot with our partner.
Karmis last blog post..One clean day
I totally agree with Karmi. You and Steve are not your parents. Just keep your marriage one day at a time. Don’t believe advice about resolving fights before going to sleep because then it will only be forced; you can always talk in the morning when your heads have cooled down and you missed each other. Good luck!
Amen to the previous comments. And may I just add that your commitment to your marriage is one step closer to the goal already. Please don’t let the hurts of the past and the fears of the future ruin things for you. When all is said and done, it is still Love that Matters. From reading your posts, I can feel that you and ur Hubby have heaps to keep you both going for a lifetime. Best Wishes to Your Union. Cheers!!