The Husband’s been sick the past few days, so I took him to watch The Expendables today. I figured it would make him feel better, and it did!

Good God, I’ve never seen the general male population more exuberant. It was a lot like watching 4-year-olds sneakily playing with led xmas lights on, umm, Christmas. Case in point, while we were queuing up, some random American guy we didn’t know came up to The Husband out of nowhere with arms wide open, declaring in a loud, booming voice that it was “the best movie EVER” (or something to that effect). I actually thought the guy was going to hug him! Shocking, that was.

And did I enjoy it? Truth be told, I was actually looking forward to it more than I let on. (But please don’t tell The Husband that, or I’ll never hear the end of it.) I mean, seriously, the best action stars all in one movie, Jason Statham, and did I mention Jason Statham? What’s not to enjoy?

The movie itself was a little dumb, a tad too farfetched, a bit sexist, and really quite ridiculous when you think about it. But oh, it was such great FUN! So yes, if you could just get off your high horse and spend a couple of hours being a non-thinking person, chances are you’ll enjoy the show.

Still, I think it could’ve been better. Here’s why:

1. Jason Statham should NOT be allowed to look like a lumberjack. He should either be IN a suit:

2. Jet Li is fuckin’ JET LI! He does NOT need saving, even by Sylvester Stallone. As it was, Sly spent most of the movie saving him from some bad guy or another. That’s just wrong!

3. Bruce Willis’s airbrushing was absolutely unnecessary. Please! He looked exactly like he did in Surrogates, and that was some really bad shit.

4. If they were going to go the whole sexist, damsel-half-your-age-in-distress route, they could’ve at least chosen a better-looking ‘totty’. (That’s a word I learned from The Husband, and I’ve been dying to use it!)

5. Sly shouldn’t have given said totty his ‘account number’. Seriously, who gives out their account numbers these days? And how did he expect her to access it? It would’ve been easier to send money through Western Union.

6. Said totty also should’ve just run off with Sly. The poor man needed to get laid. He would’ve deserved it, too, after everything he did for her.

7. Mickey Rourke really should’ve been in on the action, not stuck in that awful tattoo shop.

I could think of a lot more, but I don’t have all night. And I’m afraid that if I think about it too much, I’ll grow a set [of balls]. I’ll quit while I’m still gonad-free, thank you very much!

If you’ve got a man and you keep dragging him off to chick flicks aplenty, take him to watch The Expendables. You will at least get an idea of how it’s like for him to sit through something like Sex and the City. Do be kind.

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