Goddess, I Am.

A couple of days ago, Chin wrote about why no one in their right mind should want to be a writer. I am inclined to agree. For one thing, I don’t know of a bigger drama queen than I am. For another, I do get a tad hoity-toity whenever I stumble upon somebody else’s bad writing. Does that make me arrogant? Not if I keep it to myself, and I usually do. And because I’m the only person in the world who actually knows the full extent of my arrogance, that makes it a moot point.

I also do my best to keep my writing trivial – unimportant, even. I steer clear from writing about politics and religion and even my thoughts on love and sex because volatile subjects like these tend to get the haters to come a’knocking. I should know; I’ve suffered enough bullshit on my now-defunct blogs of years past. And so it’s not for lack of opinions that I’m keeping this blog controversy-free, but more on the lack of time and energy to deal with crap. I can honestly think of a gazillion better things to do with my time.

I know some people would say that this conscious effort to avoid controversy defeats the whole point of being a writer. Writers are supposed to make waves and stir things up, not hide behind harmless essays about shoes. Well, that’s simply not the kind of writer I want to be. (And no, I’m not going to contemplate a career change as a Texas truck accident lawyer or something – I’m sticking to my guns.)

Now, for the past two years, I’ve been enjoying peace and quiet in this blog. After all, nobody would take offense over mundane posts of new gadgets and clothes, the occasional travel and family reports, and the odd movie review, right? Well, think again!

For the past 3 days, I’ve been getting hate comments from somebody in the NCR (with a Smart Broadband IP address, ha!) who seems to have taken serious umbrage at my review of the turd movie, In Your Eyes. I kid you not!

From what I can gather from her comments, at first she was pissed off that I wrote about Claudine Barreto’s rather strange body. Then she started really attacking me because I can write in good English! It’s a strange gripe, I know, but then, stranger things have happened.

At first, I was just going to delete her comments and let it go. But due to insistent public demand (haha), I am now posting them here – on this post – with my responses. Not that these even merit a response, but we could all use a good laugh, so why the hell not? (Click on the screenshots for larger versions if they’re too teeny to read!)

Sweetheart, Claudine is a celebrity. She’s used to this sort of thing. Hey, that’s what they’re there for! Do you want me to get started on Justin Bieber? Or Miley Cyrus? Or Bruce Willis? Good God, if Claudine ever read this post, she’ll probably just laugh about it.

And for the record, I never said Claudine was ugly. I happen to think she’s very pretty and she looks great . . . most of the time. But I also think her body in In Your Eyes was disturbingly unnatural. I am not one to let that pass.

“Masyadong bilib ka sa iyong sarili.” For my non-Filipino readers, she’s pretty much saying that I’m puffed up with my own self-importance. Naturally. As I’ve written in my sidebar, I truly am a great fan of myself. I work harder than anyone I know, I’m ambitious, and I’ve achieved a lot more than most people my age can say they have. So yes, I am proud of myself. BUT that is NOT something I go around telling people. Anyone who knows me would say that I’m actually quite self-deprecating (if you don’t know what that means, look it up!).

You’re saying that I’m hiding my face, that I’m probably ugly, blah blah blah. Well, if you’re going to spend so much time on my blog, look around. There are about 50 pictures scattered throughout this blog that clearly show my face – and most of them are not even flattering! I am not deluded enough to think that I’m gorgeous, so if you – or anybody, for that matter – think I am ugly, tough shit. The only opinions that matter to me are those of the people I hold dear. (And The Husband happens to think I’m pretty darned cute, ha!)

You’re also saying that despite my intelligent use of the English language, I am still uneducated. That’s a bit of a paradox, isn’t it? And let me ask you, do you think your incessant attack on myself and my blog is educated? I think we all know who’s better educated between the two of us.

She also posted this comment AGAIN today, September 2 at 10:15 AM. (Cue in Psycho theme)

Sweetheart, the statement “I don’t suffer stupidity” actually means I don’t suffer stupidity in other people, not myself. (Well, I’m suffering YOU right now, so you should be flattered.) Sheesh, you can’t even read English right!

You think I’m not funny? Fair enough. I write for myself, my friends, my family, and some of my most loyal readers, and they think I’m funny – maybe not always, but I do make people laugh sometimes. That really is enough for me.

No, I don’t expect everybody to accept me for who I am, and honestly? I really don’t care. As long as I’m accepted by the people I love, I’m a happy camper. I’m pragmatic enough to know that I won’t please everybody and that the whole world doesn’t revolve around me. But then again, you’ve been in and out of this blog 5 times (so far) in the past 3 days, so could it be that your world is revolving around me?

Thank you for saying that my English is “magaling” (good). And no, I did not go to a popular exclusive school. I went to Cebu Normal University, which, as everyone knows, is a public school – a selective state-run public school, yes, but a public school nonetheless.

And no, I doubt having a peach-shaped body can be classified as a weakness. I think it’s more of a temporary setback, especially for celebrities, which makes it quite funny. Now, if I were poking fun at, say, cerebral palsy or something sad like that, that would be another story. And that’s something I would never do.

Of course this post is biased! Do not forget that this is MY personal blog! People keep personal blogs to put their personal, usually biased opinions out there. I think that concept is completely lost on the likes of you.

So it bothers you that I write, speak, and act like a Westerner, even if I’m a Filipino living in the Philippines? Well, guess what? Last time I checked, it’s a free country. And it’s 2010 – the days of Maria Clara are gone. I’ve always had a liberal and rather Western upbringing because my mum is cool like that. I spoke English before I spoke Bisaya, or Tagalog. I’m married to a Brit. I’m worldly, and I love it! How about you? Do you still live in a cave?

Oh, and don’t talk to me about the hardships of life. I’ve had my share. You don’t know what I have lived through and endured in my lifetime. You think I’m pretentious? FYI, I am where I am now – debt-free, solvent, and able to enjoy a few luxuries here and there – because I work 16-hour days without complaint. Not many people can say the same – you, included. Otherwise, you won’t be squatting on my blog several times a day. Get a job, why doncha?

This is about as much attention as you’re ever going to get from me. Do you want to post more comments? By all means, go ahead. I will simply delete them. You are as irrelevant to me as the callouses on my feet, probably even more so.

So be gone, nonentity. You are not welcome here.

Confession time! I never really knew what was going on in the world unless I read about it on Facebook or Twitter, or if The Husband told me. I’m even worse with celebrity news. I know, I know. It’s the Internet age and news is everywhere, blah blah blah. However, I open so many browsers for work that opening a few more just to read the news really isn’t something I would go out of my way for.

That has changed since I got Agrippa. You see, there’s a very nifty (and free!) app called Flipboard that makes the news so much more accessible to me. I get my news (plus my Twitter and Facebook feeds) in a fancy magazine-like interface, and it makes browsing for news so much more pleasurable.

Honestly, I can’t believe how gossipy this app is making me. Flipping through content just to see who bombed what and who the wireless cctv cameras caught canoodling this time is now becoming an integral part of my day.

I am such a dork, I know.

I am on the hunt for the perfect pair of Oxfords. You know, the shoes.

Unfortunately, the ones I’ve found in these ‘ere parts apparently do not fit midget feet. And this, in a country predominantly populated by midgets.

So I’ve taken to trawling the shops online, but I’ve been very disappointed with the ones most Philippine sellers are selling. They’re a freakin’ dime a dozen, and I really do not fancy running into people wearing the same stuff as I am. My days of shopping for Korean pre-orders are over, thank you very much!

Right now I’ve broadened my search a bit more to include US and Canada shops. And it’s been very disappointing, too. But I guess shouldn’t expect too much from the land of non-midgets with non-midget feet. I did, however, find 14K white gold diamond stud earrings on buy.com for $180, but I can’t seem to muster the same amount of enthusiasm for jewelry as I have for Oxfords.

Why couldn’t my feet be a size – just ONE size – larger?

Watching cheesy Tagalog movies is something of a guilty pleasure for me. (Admit it, it’s yours, too!) So because The Bestie had a rare free day, we decided to watch In Your Eyes along with The Sister. After all, how often do we get to watch this sort of crap? Not often enough, I tell you!

Anyhow, the movie certainly did not disappoint in that area. It wasn’t deliciously bad like, say, the classic Sinbad of the Seven Seas, or even the most recent Step Up 3D (hey, at least it was in 3D AND mysterious Asian Glee guy was in it). It was just . . . BAD. Bad casting, atrocious writing, and horrendous acting – you name it, it had it.

But what really struck me most about the whole “badness” of it all was NOT Richard Gutierrez’s horrid and often inappropriate acting, nor was it Ann Curtis’s unbelievably pathetic character. It was Claudine Barreto’s – wait for it! – BODY! Really, how could anyone look so close – emphasis on CLOSE – to needing plus size lingerie yet have anorexic-looking limbs? She looked a lot like a peach that somebody stuck a few toothpicks in as arms and legs!

To illustrate, imagine this little guy in wedges:

Methinks somebody’s been going the (literally) old Belo route. Though I can’t understand why anyone would decide to go there and not just go all the way. Especially when there’s a (supposedly) big movie role that calls for it.

But seriously, how cute is that picture of a smiling peach going fishing? Tee hee.

- Posted using BlogPress on Agrippa, the iPad

The Husband’s been sick the past few days, so I took him to watch The Expendables today. I figured it would make him feel better, and it did!

Good God, I’ve never seen the general male population more exuberant. It was a lot like watching 4-year-olds sneakily playing with led xmas lights on, umm, Christmas. Case in point, while we were queuing up, some random American guy we didn’t know came up to The Husband out of nowhere with arms wide open, declaring in a loud, booming voice that it was “the best movie EVER” (or something to that effect). I actually thought the guy was going to hug him! Shocking, that was.

And did I enjoy it? Truth be told, I was actually looking forward to it more than I let on. (But please don’t tell The Husband that, or I’ll never hear the end of it.) I mean, seriously, the best action stars all in one movie, Jason Statham, and did I mention Jason Statham? What’s not to enjoy?

The movie itself was a little dumb, a tad too farfetched, a bit sexist, and really quite ridiculous when you think about it. But oh, it was such great FUN! So yes, if you could just get off your high horse and spend a couple of hours being a non-thinking person, chances are you’ll enjoy the show.

Still, I think it could’ve been better. Here’s why:

1. Jason Statham should NOT be allowed to look like a lumberjack. He should either be IN a suit:

Or, OUT of it:

‘Nuff said.

2. Jet Li is fuckin’ JET LI! He does NOT need saving, even by Sylvester Stallone. As it was, Sly spent most of the movie saving him from some bad guy or another. That’s just wrong!

3. Bruce Willis’s airbrushing was absolutely unnecessary. Please! He looked exactly like he did in Surrogates, and that was some really bad shit.

4. If they were going to go the whole sexist, damsel-half-your-age-in-distress route, they could’ve at least chosen a better-looking ‘totty’. (That’s a word I learned from The Husband, and I’ve been dying to use it!)

5. Sly shouldn’t have given said totty his ‘account number’. Seriously, who gives out their account numbers these days? And how did he expect her to access it? It would’ve been easier to send money through Western Union.

6. Said totty also should’ve just run off with Sly. The poor man needed to get laid. He would’ve deserved it, too, after everything he did for her.

7. Mickey Rourke really should’ve been in on the action, not stuck in that awful tattoo shop.

I could think of a lot more, but I don’t have all night. And I’m afraid that if I think about it too much, I’ll grow a set [of balls]. I’ll quit while I’m still gonad-free, thank you very much!

If you’ve got a man and you keep dragging him off to chick flicks aplenty, take him to watch The Expendables. You will at least get an idea of how it’s like for him to sit through something like Sex and the City. Do be kind.

- Posted using BlogPress on Agrippa, the iPad