Goddess, I Am.

Because people can’t seem to stop talking about New Moon (which premiered last Friday, the 20th, in the Philippines), I might as well write a few words about it for lack of better things to write about.

Probably the most remarkable thing about the movie was the crowd. The unruly throngs of people – mostly pre-pubescent teens, I might add – nearly gave me a coronary. Thankfully, I reserved our tickets nearly a full month before (seriously). So while hoards of teenage girls moaned how their seats were close enough to the screen to see Edward’s brain matter through his nostrils, I was smugly gloating about the fact that we literally had the best seats in the house – the first row of the premiere section, right smack in the middle where there’s leg room aplenty (not that my short legs needed the room, but you get the picture).

The movie itself was so-so. I didn’t have high expectations, so I didn’t leave disappointed. The book was probably my second least favorite (I liked Breaking Dawn least) because Bella’s (Kristen Stewart) reaction to Edward’s leaving was way too pathetic and was a tad corny, even for me (and I’ve had my share of high drama, mind you). Predictably, the movie was just as melodramatic, even to the point of being somewhat dragging.

It did have its redeeming moments, though, namely the scenes where Jacob (Taylor Lautner) strutted around half-naked. And because this happened quite often, some may argue that his pectorals saved the show. You can count me in, if you must, tee hee.

However, I think the guy who played Paul (Alex Meraz) was even hotter, if that’s at all possible. (That’s him on the left, growl!)

Photo Credit: Ace Showbiz

Of course, not to be outdone, Edward (Robert Pattinson) had to go topless, too. Is it just me, though, or is Rob becoming more and more of a letdown as the series progresses? It’s either that, or I’m just really disturbed with how his nipples looked way too much like P10 coins. (And yes, I do notice these sort of things.)

One thing about the movies that I’m really starting to hate is how Edward comes off as a bit of a pansy. I don’t know if it’s Rob, or how the films are directed, but really, the doe eyes are too much for a vampire movie, even a vampire love story. In the book, Edward is supposed to be romantic and brooding, but he’s also quite a bad ass. In the movies, on the other hand, he broods more than a teenage girl (which makes him more cheesy than romantic), and he’s about as bad-assed as Rainbow Brite.

Case in point, will the vampire lover of your wildest fantasies be caught dead in a gag-worthy scene such as this?

‘Nuff said.

All in all, though, it was good fun, New Moon. Eye candy never hurt anybody, so if you’re a fan of the series, it’s definitely worth watching, even just for curiosity’s sake. Whether you watch it at the cinema, or curled up on a couch in one of those Outer Banks beach rentals when it comes out on video, it’s entirely up to you. But if its box office earnings so far is any indication, I think almost everyone opted for the former. I do know we’ll be getting it on Blu-ray, if only to add to my burgeoning share of the collection.

On a side note, I wouldn’t want Robert Pattinson to be my Edward Cullen, if I were Bella Swan. I would want him . . .

Christian Bale

Or him . . .

Michael C. Hall

But most definitely, him . . .

The Husband

Won’t my version of New Moon be so much better (and slightly porn-y)?