Goddess, I Am.

Our neighbors, they’re a nasty bunch. They like to scream and piss on walls and let their dogs out to run amok. They’re crass and tacky, and they do disgusting things.

I’ve been brought up to ignore people like these because they simply aren’t worth my time and attention. The Husband, on the other hand, has been brought up not to take shit from anybody – which means he ends up in scuffles with these people from time to time. I’ve spoken to him tons of times about how futile and exhausting it is and that we can’t expect to change an entire neighborhood just because we wish it so, and he’s actually mellowed down somewhat.

And so it was that it has been months since the last incident. Unfortunately, the problem with avoiding trouble is that trouble finds you – and it did about two weeks ago.

The most notorious ‘screamers’ in the neighborhood live in the house beside the one across from ours. These people have screaming matches amongst themselves AND with both of their next door neighbors (which, incidentally, are their father’s sisters). Just goes to show what kind of people these are, right?

They have a son, who is a total jackass. Occasionally, we see him walking his dog and deliberately leading it to do its business right in front of our gate. I know Steve had told him off a couple of times, while he just strutted away laughing with his pants halfway down his skinny ass. He’s also leered at my sister and myself a couple of times, but we’ve always just ignored the ugly motherfucker.

Anyhow, the night of the Boyz II Men concert (my sister and I had front-row tickets, baby!), they had a party. Now, let me just say that they throw parties every couple of weeks or so. These parties always start at about 8 in the morning and go on well into the next day. They get drunk and sing “My Heart Will Go On” nonstop. Their guests also park in front of OUR (mine, my sister’s, my mum’s) gates, blocking our right of way, so we all have to sorta walk sideways towards each other’s houses like crabs.

Anyhow, this particular night, The Husband was taking out the trash. By sheer chance, he actually caught the son pissing against OUR wall! WTF? Naturally, the husband told him off and told one of his friends who was parking in front of our gate to move his car. He then proceeded to hose down the urine best as he could.

I think he handled it pretty well, considering how the whole pissing thing is something that we both seriously loathe. He went back inside the house and we watched TV for the next couple of hours, putting the incident behind us.

Just as we were getting ready for bed, however, we heard a bit of a ruckus outside the house. When we looked out of our bedroom window, lo and behold! It was the son – drunk, shit-faced, and raving. He kept saying: “Fuck you, bitch!” (Fack you, betch!), “You’re so O.A., bitch!” (You’re so O.A. [over-acting], betch!) “Motherfuck!” (Mother-fack!), “Come down here, bitch!” (Come down here, betch!), “Patyon ta mo tanan, bitch!” (I will kill you all, betch!) Well, you get the picture.

I told the husband to ignore him because he was drunk, which he did. We even laughed about it as his friends dragged him back into their house. That should’ve been the end of it, but not five minutes later, he was at it again! This time, his parents came out to drag him back into the house while we watched, still from our bedroom window.

Again, that would’ve been the end of it, but horror of all horrors, his mother comes back out and starts ranting! She started ranting about how we complain a lot and how it’s amazing that we’re acting like we own the place when we’ve only just moved there a few months ago. She was an old lady, so I tried to reason with her. I calmly told her how we caught her son pissing against our walls and how we needed our right of way. You won’t believe it, but she actually said we should just let her guests piss on our walls and park in front of our gates because it’s her 60th birthday. And that’s not the end of it. She actually accused US of ruining HER birthday.

What. The. Fuck.

I totally lost it. But I didn’t lose it first. Our landlady and her husband (who lives right across from them) heard everything and got to her first. Being decent people, they tried to reason with her, but NO, she just won’t be swayed. To make matters worse, her son was still somewhere in the background, screaming his endless litany of “Fack yous” and “Betches.“

And it gets better. Our landlady asked her, “How would you like it if we all just peed on YOUR walls because we’re having a party?” You know what she and her husband (who joined the fray at this point) said? They actually said we’re FREE to do so!

We were all absolutely mortified! So just because they act like animals, they expect us to do the same? I’m sorry, but we’re not disgusting people with small brains. In fact, I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell shared amongst everyone in that house. And to think they’re a pretty well-off family, too, and maybe even fairly educated. You’d think they’d have a modicum of respect and consideration for other people and other people’s property, but NO. They’re just as bad as the most uneducated beggar on the street. Hell, I’ve seen beggars with better manners, and Lord knows how that’s saying something.

So this, ladies and gentlemen, is why this country will never go anywhere. What is it with Filipino men and their predilection to peeing everywhere they feel like? Why is it that many Filipinos have this sense of entitlement to things that they are not, should not, and would never be entitled to, such as their neighbor’s right of way? It’s sad, pathetic, and completely unacceptable. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m generalizing, but every decent Filipino who reads this would know the exact kind of people I’m talking about and would, therefore, take no offense.

I love my city and my country. It saddens me to see people using it as a toilet. It annoys me even more, knowing that these people actually BELIEVE with all their hearts that they are entitled to befoul other people’s property. The urine may eventually wash off and the smell may eventually go away. But it’s a violation that no amount of industrial products could ever clean up.

Yes, sad to say, my country is going to the dogs. No surprise there when the majority of the population insist on acting like dogs. It’s a thought that truly depresses me.

Harry Potter and Half-Blood Prince is showing today, and I am absolutely giddy with excitement! I am not, however, looking forward to watching Dumbledore die, but hey, that’s what tissues are for.

I don’t think I’ve been this excited to watch a movie since Wall-E last year (and that’s saying something because I love, love, love movies, so I’m always excited). I have great expectations from the sixth Harry Potter movie because if I had a favorite book of the series, the Half-Blood Prince would be it. I sure hope the movie won’t disappoint!

Speaking of Wall-E, why does it take ages for Pixar films to get released in Asia? I’ve been dying to watch Up for the longest time, but though it was released in the US months ago, we have to wait until August to see it here. So, for the moment, I’m consoling myself with Wall-E (yet again), which is by far my favorite Pixar flick (so far). I just can’t get enough of this little guy:

I love how he gives a little shake when he hops off his little green line. M-O (Microbe Obliterator) is so cute, I could just squeeze him! (Though how one is supposed to squeeze a hunk of metal without some sort of heavy machinery is beyond me.)

On a side note, in a perfect world, we’ll have robots to do the dirty jobs for us, while we lie on mobile lounge chairs and get fat. We won’t have to worry about getting them social security disability from Allsup, though we might want to stock up on spare parts from True Value for good measure.

But then again, if robots are like M-O and Wall-E and Eve, I might not have the heart to make them work because they reek of cuteness, plus I don’t want to get fat, so let’s scratch that perfect world scenario. Maybe we can have Harry Potter-esque wands and spell books, instead?

Double, double toil and trouble; could somebody please stop Iris’ babble? Like, now?

Have you ever bought yourself something that you feel is the ultimate representation of everything you’ve ever worked hard for? Some people would buy homes; others, cars, boats, and airplanes. As for me? I bought myself a Macbook.

Everyone, say hello to Gaius Julius Caesar Dictator – or just, Gaius. (It’s a bit overdue, I know.

As you all know, I’ve been mooning over Macbooks for, well, FOREVER. Something always came up, however, so I never really got the chance to put away enough money to get one. Until a little over a month ago, that is; hence, Gaius.

I must say that Gaius is – hands down – THE best computer I have ever owned, not to mention the most beautiful. EVER. I was originally all set on getting the 13-inch Aluminum unibody, but decided at the last minute that I don’t need to shell out almost another $400 just to get features that I’m never likely to use, as I don’t edit videos or music or even pictures. My mum’s boss, who was in the US at that time, picked it up for me – from Circuit City, I believe – and was kind enough to haul it all the way back to the Philippines, so I got a pretty good deal for it, too. Besides, I still think that white Macbooks have the quintessential Macbook look and are heartbreakingly gorgeous.

I’ve invested on VMWare Fusion so I can run both Mac OS X and Windows XP applications on Gaius. Although I would prefer to turn my back on Windows forever, the software I use for spinning (my meal ticket these days) all run on Windows XP, so until the developers come up with Mac versions, I don’t really have much of a choice. The Windows XP installation runs on a virtual computer, so basically, I have two computers running running on one laptop. I’ve named my Windows virtual machine Lucius Cornelius Sulla . . . because I just can’t help myself.

For a while, Gaius was completely devoid of physical protection (apart from my oh-so cute laptop bag), so I guess it was a bad idea to take him on holiday in Boracay. I discovered a telltale discoloration and a slight scratch on a corner of Gaius’ lid for all and sundry to see, and I was in a right state of panic. I burst into tears and yelled at my poor husband who really was only trying to help. Yes, I do scare myself sometimes. But hey, it was a 2-week old Macbook (back then) AND it didn’t exactly cost me peanuts, so I still think my panic was well-founded.

I decided to pay iStore a visit when I got back to see if they had anything that could possibly help me with Gaius’ little problem. If not, I was getting ready to resign myself to the idea that I might have to get one of those laptop skins, or worse, those tacky crystal cases. Before I did, though, I did a bit of Googling, and I found out that the cleaning products they sold on Apple stores were, well, downright shitty, and that I was better off using anything from toothpaste to Staedler erasers. Our toothpaste, however, was green, and I was afraid I will only succeed in turning Gaius into The Hulk. We eventually tried the erasers – and lo and behold! It worked! Now Gaius is as gorgeous as new, and I’m the proud momma once again.

I’ve learned my lesson, however, and have now invested in all manners of Macbook protection. I now have a screen protector, a silicon keyboard cover, and I will forever and ever probably keep a Staedler eraser handy. I’m also looking for the prettiest laptop sleeve I can find. As much as possible, I do want to keep Gaius the way he is – white and naked the way God and Apple intended him to be.

One thing’s for sure: Gaius has made a die-hard Mac fan out of this girl. And I’m not going to say anything definite right now, but if I really can’t help myself, he’s going to get upgraded into a Pro very, very soon.

Damn, these Macs are addictive!

I’ve been trying to rack my very tired brain, thinking of something decent to write – anything from the life span of a tree frog, to Outer Banks rentals – but I’ve found out that one can’t be clever when one is sleep-deprived and cranky. So I’ve decided to write about the most mindless thing that I can possibly think of right now: this season’s American Idol.

This week saw Scott McIntyre finally given the boot. I’ve been saying it for weeks: he should have been eliminated early on because he was probably one of the show’s weakest contestants. Even so, I think it was probably the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever witnessed. After all, I am not such a heartless bitch to gloat over a blind guy’s elimination. And he did have his moments, mind you. I will forever remember him as the blind guy who Ryan Seacrest (futilely) tried to high-five.

Ryan Seacrest’s Defining Moment

Now, this is a bit late, considering that this year’s top 13 has been whittled down to 7 with the precision of an advancing Roman legion (sorry, I still can’t get the Roman stuff out of my system), but I am going to give my two cents’ worth on the rest of the contestants. All 13 of them (in no particular order). Because I feel like it. So deal with it.

1. Allison Iraheta.

She was definitely one of my early favorites. I can never forget her version of Alone by Heart, which, as we all know, got her past the top 36. She gave me goosebumps because she was that awesome. And to think she’s only 16.

I personally think she’s the only female contestant who actually has a shot (albeit a slim one, thanks to Adam Lambert) at winning AI this year.

2. Adam Lambert.

I do not doubt even for one second that he may actually will win AI this year. He’s overrated, yes, but he does have talent. As far as performers go, the guy is a genius. He has proven week after week that he can make any song his own. That includes his oh-so strange rendition of Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire – a performance that actually left me, umm, very confused.

He also has tons of personality and quite a flair for dramatics. He is everything that an AI winner should be, which is slightly unfair to everyone else because he does have several years of theater training to back him up. I don’t necessarily love him – and he’s definitely not my favorite – but I do admire him plenty.

His performance of Mad World by Tears for Fears this week had me swooning over a gay guy, imagine. Simon Cowell even gave him a standing ovation. Really, they might as well end the whole show early and name him the winner because we all know that’s what they want to happen.

3. Michael Sarver.

So-so singer, so-so looks, so-so personality. I think the only mildly interesting thing about him is the fact that he works for an oil rig in Texas and he looks oh-so fatherly. I was rooting for him during eliminations because I completely admired his background and thought how cool it would be if a roughneck won AI. After that, I completely forgot about him, which was inevitable, considering the stellar talents of some of the other finalists. Apparently, so did America because he was the fourth person to get the boot.

4. Danny Gokey.

Also another guy I was rooting for during eliminations, but stopped liking now. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great singer, and his voice is probably one of the best there is. The problem is he tries too hard, and from what I could read of his demeanor, I think he’s starting to think he’s hot stuff.

The judges, however, love him most of the time (this week’s performance was horrible, and they still liked it!). I think it’s this partiality that makes him Adam Lambert’s most serious threat. I still don’t like him. In fact, I hate him more every week.

5. Jorge Nuñez.

I personally think Jorge was eliminated too early. He was one of the two contestants given the boot in the first elimination round. I think the judges completely manipulated the rest of America to vote him out because his performance that night wasn’t as bad as, say, Anoop Desai’s (more on him in a bit). It was so-so, yes, but it wasn’t bad, and I personally think there were at least a couple of other contestants that deserved the elimination more than he did that night. It would’ve been nice to see more of what he could do.

6. Anoop Desai.

He is definitely my second least favorite contestant. I think he’s ugly, but he seems to be one of those guys who think they’re more good-looking than they really are. His voice is bland, and his performances are annoying. He’s like one of those Indians/Pakis who pretend to be black.

And that’s not the worse of it. He has a monobrow so thick that he probably has to shampoo it every morning. He should’ve been eliminated instead of Jorge that night because he definitely deserved it. I wish to God America will just stop voting for him. But then, considering the number of Indians spreading like flies all over the US (like they do everywhere else), I’m not surprised why he’s still there, week after week.

Still, I do hope next week will be his last. A girl can dream, right?

7. Alexis Grace.

This is another contestant that was wrongly eliminated because Anoop was still around. Although she never would’ve won, she was still quite good. She was also very pretty. Too bad her song choices didn’t do her justice. If she was just given a chance to stick around longer, she probably would’ve been great.

8. Megan Joy.

The other pretty blonde girl in the contest. I love, love, loved Megan. I was very surprised when she didn’t make it through the top 36 elimination because she did Corinne Bailey Rae’s Put Your Records On really, really well. Thankfully, the judges picked her in the Wild Card round.

Megan probably had the most unique voice in the contest. I loved the jazzy/bluesy thing that she had going on. Unfortunately, such a voice meant that there were very few songs that she could actually get away with.

Admittedly, her last two performances – and song choices – were pretty bad, but I personally think that the judges were pretty hell-bent on getting rid of her way before that. She was given pretty bad feedback for her version of Michael Jackson’s Rockin’ Robin early on when I think it was really, really quite good. And she knew it, too. She knew exactly that they wanted her out, so she pretty much threw the judges’ BS back in their faces as a last hurrah. The girl definitely had moxie.

9. Scott McIntyre.

He’s blind, so I think he got sympathy votes aplenty. To be fair to the guy, though, he can sing, play the piano AND guitar, and has a sense of humor. I’m still heartbroken for him. He probably needed this contest more than anyone else.

10. Lil Rounds.

She’s so . . . typical. She has one of those typical big-black-girl voices that gets quite tedious after awhile. And I’m not saying this meanly or anything, but, really, her ass is HUUUUGE! It’s astonishing.

Oh, and she seems to be choosing the wrong songs week after week, which, I believe, is really starting to annoy the judges, so she’s definitely not their golden girl anymore. Here’s hoping she goes soon. After Annoying Anoop, that is.

11. Matt Giraud.

Sometimes he’s good, sometimes he’s not. But really, I couldn’t care less about him.

Don’t get me wrong. He does sound awfully good, most of the time. It’s just that I think he’s trying too hard to be Justin Timberlake. They actually do kind of sound alike. He has the piano thing going on, and, if I remember correctly, the dancing is pretty similar, too. He also dresses like JT, hat and all. But probably the weirdest thing is they actually do kind of look alike. (Can anyone say, “copycat?”)

Of course, JT looks a hundred times better, naturally. I would say that Matt is the poor man’s version of Justin Timberlake – which really makes him about as special as my toe clippings. Oh, and he has abnormally huge thighs – a fact that was pointed out to me by my sister, of which I completely agree.

12. Jasmine Murray.

If Anoop is my second least favorite, Jasmine is definitely the one who gets the top spot. Why? Let’s see. She can’t sing. At all. She was forever trying to sing songs that were much too big for her, so I could not, for the life of me, understand why the judges picked her during the Wild Card round.

Thankfully, we didn’t have to endure much of her as she was eliminated right after the first round (along with Jorge). Ahhhh . . . American Idol still does make sense sometimes.

13. Kris Allen.

Naturally, I have saved my favorite contestant for last.

I’ll be the first person to admit that I’ve never noticed him before. When he won a slot in the top 13 over Megan, I was like, “huh?” I couldn’t even remember what he did to deserve that.

Once he was in the top 13, however, it was hard to look away from him. The man is insanely gorgeous in a boy-next-door kind of way. But his smile isn’t the only thing that is getting my heart atwitter, mind you. The man can really, really, REALLY sing (and play the guitar and the piano)! Seriously, he seems to be going from strength to strength each week, which means that he might actually be someone who can seriously challenge Adam, Danny, and Allison for the top spot. Admittedly, his last performance wasn’t up to his usual standards, but I’m sure he’ll do tons better next week and the weeks to come, all the way up to the finals.

Ah yes, I am definitely crushing on Kris Allen, especially after he sang Bill Withers’ Ain’t No Sunshine last week, much to The Fiance’s chagrin. I suppose it’s a good thing that he’s happily married, or else I might decide to marry him instead. (Just kidding, hon. You know you are the love of my life (and the pain in my ass). )

All in all, I’m glad shows like American Idol exist. It’s exactly the sort of mindless entertainment that I need to unwind and cheer up my cranky brain.

And speaking of which, I’m off to bed. But before that, I’ll leave you with some of my favorite performances (so far) this season:

Allison Iraheta’s Alone

Adam Lambert’s Mad World

Megan Joy’s Walkin’ After Midnight

Kris Allen’s Ain’t No Sunshine

I honestly don’t know what I’ll do without online shopping. I discovered it fairly early back in the days when having a Pentium 3 computer was the height of cool and we had dial-up connection that worked slower than Nicole Scherzinger’s brain cells. I can still remember using my mum’s credit card (I had a supplementary account) to order silly things like signed posters of the Spice Girls and “authentic” katanas. Luckily for me, no one shipped to the Philippines back then, so not only did I save my mother a few hundred dollars, I probably saved myself from a lifetime of being grounded.

Fast forward to a few years later. People in the west have now realized that the Philippines actually has real people that use (gasp!) computers, so one can now buy just about anything under the sun as long as one is willing to pay for ridiculous shipping costs and customs charges and wait for weeks (sometimes even months) to get one’s parcel. This is how The Fiance gets his Blu-ray movies.

I must say I totally admire the man’s patience. I, for one, will be climbing the walls by the second day; hence, why I prefer to do my online shopping on some of the local websites. As long as I pay early in the day and bug the seller senseless to ship before the courier’s cut-off time, it’s guaranteed that I’ll get it bright and early the next day. (And mind you, I’ve only been let down a couple of times.)

How true is it, though, that folks in the U.S. are getting their stuff delivered within minutes? I saw this video promoting an online site with an overenthusiastic Howie Mandel and a very amused little old lady named – wait for it! – Gay.

So a strange man (Howie) knocks on Gay’s front door and she actually lets him in, use her computer to order a smoothie maker, and lie on her kitchen counter. Then somewhere between the actual sale and him admiring her light fixtures, someone’s at the door again with – you guessed it! – said smoothie maker. And it doesn’t end there. Gay, displaying the best of American hospitality, even makes him a smoothie on the spot!

Farfetched or not, I think the video shows exactly how endless the possibilities of online shopping are. Although The Fiance will probably still have to wait several days for his imported movies, I can at least expect the sewing machine I ordered on behalf of my sister to turn up within the hour.

It does, indeed, sound super cool – in theory. For all I know, it might only work with Howie hyperventilating in my kitchen. If that’s the case, I think I can wait a day or two.