Goddess, I Am.

I figured out a long time ago that I want to write for the rest of my life. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I earn a very good living out of it, too, so I really can’t complain.

But writing hundreds – if not, thousands – of online content for subjects you really do not care a thing about . . . well, it just gets to you. Every once in a while, I find myself wondering what the hell I’m doing writing about constipation (among others) when I ought to be writing a novel, or a memoir, or something that may very well win a Pulitzer (who knows?), or at least something that would reach out and touch people, bowel problems notwithstanding. Then I go through the whole litany of reasons why I’m settling for what I am doing, and I end up forcing myself to be grateful for the chance to even write at all and get paid for it to boot!

Still, this doesn’t stop me from wishing I was a more ‘serious’ writer. I would love to be respected, to be revered, to have a cult following. I would love to see my name in print, preferably under the words “#1 New York Times Bestseller.” It’s all fanciful thinking, I know. But does it really have to be?

Every day, I’m getting to know myself more. I’m starting to figure out what I want out of life beyond the next 6 months. And I’m starting to make the plans that would make me the person – and by extension, the writer – that I want to be.

First thing’s first – I need formal training in writing. I don’t have one, you know, not even a humble certificate from a writing workshop. I’d like to go back to school and get an MA in Creative Writing. And I’m not talking about an Online College, either. I’ve found that there are universities and colleges in London and the U.S. and Canada that would take on post-graduate students for their writing programs, even without a writing-related undergraduate degree. Of course, one will have to prove one’s aptitude in writing in a 5000-word essay to be considered, and even then, one will have to be prepared to spend thousands of dollars (or even pounds sterling!) to take the course. Unless, of course, one somehow lands a scholarship, which is already the most fanciful of all fanciful thinking.

Well, I don’t think I’ll be landing a scholarship anywhere anytime soon (or even ever), nor do I have thousands of dollars (or pounds) to spare. But I will write that 5000-word essay, anyway, in between constipation [articles]. Just in case.

- Posted using BlogPress on Agrippa, the iPad

I discovered my appetite for writing right about the same time that the first season of Sex and the City started airing. Naturally, Carrie Bradshaw became my idol almost overnight. Even now, 12 years hence, I still have to consciously avoid Bradshaw-ish euphemisms when I’m (supposedly) free writing; the character’s influence on me is that great.

Now, Carrie has always had a Mac. From the PowerBook to the iBook G3 Clamshell to the Macbook Pro – you name it, she’s had it. Because of that, I’ve always associated Macs as a ‘writer thing’, and I have drooled and fantasized about owning one since, thinking that it’s going to make a better writer out of me, or at least, inspire me enough to write more. The moment I could afford it, I got my first Mac, with the second – and current – one hard on its heels. And true enough, the switch did inspire me to write more and write better, probably because I no longer had to suffer the constant headaches that my PCs and netbooks of old used to plague me with.

But I digress. I guess what I’m trying to say is Carrie’s Mac, whatever model it may be, is a freakin’ Sex and the City institution. It’s a character in its own right, and replacing it with an inferior HP – or any other brand, for that matter – is nothing short of sacrilege. Really, this isn’t just the Apple fan girl in me speaking; this is me being a Sex and the City fan girl. And I’m sure there are plenty of other Sex and the City fans out there – Mac users or otherwise – that feel the same way as I do about the switch (or downgrade, the way I see it).

I wonder how much HP paid to get their product placement in? Well, whatever ridiculous figure it might be, they are surely getting their money’s worth, even with the new advertisement alone, featuring not only Sarah Jessica Parker, but also the aptly named HP Envy, the so-called Macbook Pro clone. Capitalism has no shame, indeed. I must admit (albeit grudgingly), however, that it (the advert, not the laptop) does look really good, from its general concept, down to the lighting.

Still, this will not, in any way, stop me from being at the cinema bright and early on opening day to watch my favorite girls and their latest shenanigans. I can barely sit still from all the excitement! I’m loving the whole Middle Eastern angle and the return of Aidan and the idea of Samantha on a camel, to name just a few. With that sort of entertainment to look forward to, I guess I can forgive this, umm, desecration.

But then, I probably would forgive Sex and the City anything, truth be told.

After much soul-searching (and a little help from Maris and Kessa – thank you, you two!), I finally took the plunge and started a secret blog. I couldn’t be happier. I’m even breathing easier, in fact. Really, it’s almost like we suddenly got a dehumidifier installed at home – it’s that, umm, liberating.

For the past few months, I’ve been slowly filling up the notebooks that The Husband, family, and friends are forever getting me with stories and thoughts and memories, so I’m starting to fill up my new Tumblr baby with some really fantastic writing. (I’m ridiculously proud of this new project, so no, I’m not in the mood for modesty. Deal with it.) I suppose the only thing that’s slowing me down is my capacity to take photos. Maybe the decision to use photos that I take and no one else’s is a bit overkill? But hey, who’s rushing?

So yes, I now have a secret blog. And in case you missed the little clue that I let slip earlier, it’s on Tumblr. If you take the time to poke around this blog a bit, you might find a link to it here somewhere. Though I might not volunteer the new blog’s address to all and sundry, it would still tickle me pink if any one of you found me. (Hello, writer’s ego!)

My secret blog has only been online for a day or so, and I already have a few readers. That’s probably why I love Tumblr so much. No one ever goes unread!

The thing that really gets to me about being married is the lack of sufficient dramatics that make for good writing material. Oh, I’m not saying that we’re right as rain all the time. We do have our fair share of high drama every now and again, after all. However, I somehow find myself unable to write about these sorts of things now when I had absolutely no qualms about doing so years ago. Perhaps it has something to do with being married. Whether it’s a stronger sense of privacy, or simply a need to constantly preserve the image of happily wedded bliss, I’m not really sure what. All I know is it is not doing me any good as a writer.

I’ve been reading through my older blogs, and good heavens, was I dramatic! That, and I wrote very well indeed, if I may say so myself. Reading through this blog, on the other hand, forced me to see how painfully trivial my writing has become. Don’t get me wrong. Life is good and I’m happy a lot more often than not, but sometimes, having no better things to write about than how I want this or that gadget or outfit is really starting to bug me. Why, I was just halfway through a piece extolling the virtues of our mattress before I realized what a frightful bore I had become! (Although it truly is an awesome mattress!)

My point is I want to write about things that are profound and meaningful again. I want to write about love and pain and passion again, but I’m just not sure if I can get away with it as a married woman. I’ve got so many stories to tell – both real and imagined – just BURSTING to be told, only I don’t know if I should out of respect for the man I married.

I have half a mind to start a secret blog right now, except that my writer’s ego is weeping at the thought that no one could read what may possibly be my best writing ever save for myself. On the other hand, I don’t want to upset the tenor of fun triviality that I’ve already established on this blog, either.

What a pickle I find myself in, huh? Tell me, what would you do?

Recently, I splurged on yet another gadget, a Nikon D3000. This is because I somehow got it into my head that apart from being a writer, I wanted to be a photographer, too. It’s silly, I know, but after living a lifetime of not being able to afford so much as a stick of gum (okay, I’m exaggerating a bit), I figured I ought to go and seize the day now that I can.

I chose the D3000 because it’s the updated version of the classic (but now defunct) D40, which was the best entry-level camera that ever existed. The D3000 is meant to be fantastic for first-time DSLR users, and I completely agree.

For the record, I’ve never owned a camera before. Ever. I’ve only ever used point-and-shoot models that I’ve had to borrow from family and friends. So when I finally got Caesar (yes, that’s my camera’s name), I felt like a non-smoker who suddenly decided to spend the rest of my life smoking cigars out of the blue – meaning, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

Of course, the camera came with a manual, but it might as well have been in Swahili for all the help it gave me. I knew nothing about apertures and shutter speeds and ISOs, and oh, what a headache it was!

I’ve had it for nearly a month now, and I’m still not taking the stellar photos that I imagined I would be taking. But I’m getting there. I’m actually STUDYING, believe it or not, and quite diligently, too, much to The Husband’s shock. I bought Scott Kelby’s Digital Photography books (I’m missing Volume 2 out of a series of 3), which I’ve been reading studiously for the past week or so, and I’m actually having fun! The man makes the whole thing sound so easy. I really am learning plenty.

My goal is to learn everything I could before next month’s Hongkong trip so I can take nightscapes so fantastic that people will weep! Okay, that’s a bit much, but you get the picture (no pun intended, honest!).

It’s ambitious, yes. But hey, this is me, so you should be used to that by now (tee hee).

Check out my images efforts in Flickr. Oh, and I now have a photoblog, too.